A Conversation

"How are you?"
This morning I felt like my limbs were made of cement which made it really hard to get up, my sugar's high now, I'm tired all the time and would like to be in bed right now. Fan-flippin-tastic.
I smile widely "I'm good thanks, how are you?"
"Good thanks!"

We chat for a moment, it's pleasant.

"Well I'm heading off, nice to see you"
"You too" I smile and wave.
Again with the smiling. What am I, a Cheshire cat? Did I put them off in that conversation? I hope I didn't say something stupid. I was awkward wasn't I? I'm such an idiot. They're not thinking about this at all... stop thinking Bec.

I walk to my car. I dropped everything off earlier so have nothing in my hands.
Stand up straight. Honestly why is this so hard for you? What am I supposed to do with my hands? I have nothing to hold on to. It's mildly impressive I manage to make walking look uncoordinated.
I get in, put it in reverse and back out slowly.
I'm picturing accidentally hitting another car, or a pedestrian. What if I didn't notice I'd hit something? Surely I'd feel it. But what if I didn't feel it? Oh come on Bec that's ridiculous.

Finally home, which means now I can get to work.
Here's the cement feeling again. How is it so hard to start? It won't be good enough. It's too hard. I won't do a good job. I could do something else. I could do it tomorrow and just sleep. 
I open my email. No response to an important email I sent a few days ago.
I reread my message again and again. Did I say something awful? Have I stuffed this up? Does the recipient think I'm terrible? I shouldn't have sent it. Why did I send it? Okay but rationally they're likely just busy. It's not always about you. Gosh you're self absorbed. Stop that, you're not important. Get over yourself. 

My pump alarms, still high.
Shut up. I know. I really should be managing this better. The alarm went off earlier. Why didn't I take insulin then? So stupid. I can't complain when I'm the one not looking after it perfectly. I really should be carb counting better. 

Hours pass. It's finally time to shut everything off and sleep.
I've been dead tired all day, and now I'm going to sit here and think about the most complex existential topics I can generate? Now?! I have so much to do tomorrow. I should have done more today. I'm so lazy. Why do I do this? I have no reason to be tired.

My pump alarms.
Seriously? 

__________________________________

October is mental health month. I share the above as an example of what runs through my head a lot of the time. It's a combination of frequent thoughts, not of my day today. It may not always show (I'm reasonably good at hiding it) but anxiety and depression are an up and down struggle for me, as it is for many others. Just posting this is setting off a spiral of thoughts about whether sharing this is a good idea. Will everyone think I'm crackers? Ah, they probably already do.

I've spent a long time like this, and when you add in a stressful degree and a lot of upheaval it's not very sustainable! I'm taking steps to work on my mental health, particularly recently.

I would encourage everyone to start conversations around mental wellbeing. Because when we hide it, we don't talk about it. Which means we feel more and more alone in something that shouldn't be experienced alone. There's always someone who cares and will listen. You just have to ask.

Comments

  1. The only problem is if you argue with yourself and then only if you find youa re losing the argument a lot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Precisely my issue. Will get there one day :)

      Delete

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