The Diabetes Brain

There's a bit of a theme lately from a few of us in the DOC. From Frank's post on guilt to Kelly's tweet on the brain never being off, it seems we're all experiencing the same thing. You can't switch off the diabetes brain.

At some level I'm always aware of my diabetes. From the moment I wake up, to the last check before I sleep. No food is not thought about, whether I carb count it properly or not.

There's a constant stream of questions running through my head:
- When did I last eat?
- What did I last eat?
- Did I finish that? Did I get enough of the carbs? Do I need more carbs? But I'm not hungry.
- When am I supposed to eat again?
- How much insulin do I have active right now?
- Do I have to walk anywhere soon? How far? How long after I've eaten am I walking somewhere?
- Am I doing something different tonight? Do they have gluten free food? Is it gluten free food with carbs in it? Will I be home late? Am I sleeping at home? Should I set an alarm for 3am since I'm staying at a friend's place? Will that wake them up?
- How many carbs was in that? Did I do it right?
- What is the weather like today? (Yes, seriously. It was cold today and my sugars were low, warmer weather and they were higher)
- What part of the month am I in? (I can feel the gentlemen recoiling, sorry guys. Fact is sugars vary wildly in stages all month long. Lucky us right?)
- How far do I have to drive? Is it over an hour? Do I have to pull over? Where can I pull over?
- I have a placement session. How long is my session? When can I check my level? Should I eat something now? Or after? Can I leave this kid alone for a second to check my level? Am I nervous or low?
- My mouth is dry, I counted my carbs wrong. I can feel it's high. Do I smell of off fruit or nail polish remover from the weird sugars? Wow that's professional/attractive. Can I quickly get some water and a mint? Where's my fingerpricker?

And that's just the extra thought. I'm aware of it and assessing for symptoms of a high or low at some level constantly. Even when I sleep I've been known to wake up in the night and immediately check my sugar to make sure that's not the cause.

But I'm not sure that we can actually turn this rubbish off. Because it's kind of essential to be aware of it on some level. I genuinely have to think about these things and automatically do. But it's tiring. It's many many years of thinking about it 24/7.

So to the fellow T1s I feel ya on the overthinking front. It genuinely doesn't switch off. I'm not sure what to do about it either and I wish I had an uplifting way to conclude this. Sometimes I argue with it and say "screw it I'm doing this anyway", but that doesn't stop the thinking either. Maybe there's a way to make it a little quieter.

All I know is we're all doing the best we can, and we shouldn't feel guilty. But we do anyway.

Comments

  1. Being the best we can is so true. We do what we can, and I am not the best, or the worst.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Constant Vigilance!

    Fake Moody knew what diabetes was all about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha oh he did indeed!! Best way to describe it

      Delete

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